Kicking up a Royale Fuss

I am a burger connoisseur. If I ever happen to find myself on death row, a hamburger with chips would be my last meal, no question. Don’t misunderstand, when I say hamburger- I don’t mean the 3cm high, cardboard tasting garbage posing as hamburgers that one finds at your local fast food joint. When I think of a burger, I think 250 grams of blood red beef. I think homemade buns. I think aioli, not tomato sauce. I think rocket instead of wilted lettuce.

I have spent the past 6 months sussing out the best burger establishments in Cape Town and have recently sampled the goods that Da Vinci’s, Hudson’s, Van Hunk’s and Saul’s has to offer, with generally good experiences. But I still hadn’t tried the one place without an apostrophe- Royale Eatery. I had heard wonderful things, but never got around to it. So last week I decided to haul myself down to Long Street and into the waiting arms of Royale.

Royale is a really trendy spot. The interior is mainly white on white and trés moderne. Due to its position on Long Street it is a haven for the city’s hipsters and there are more skinny jeans on display than at an aKing concert. As can be expected at a trendy eatery, the service leaves a lot to be desired. The waitresses make you feel like they are doing you a favour by being there. This wouldn’t be such a problem if the food was outstanding, but unfortunately, this is not the case.

I ordered a Mozzarella Royale which, believe it or not, is a Royale burger with mozzarella cheese. It cost R59, with which chips included is not bad. I don’t mind paying that for a quality hamburger. My meal arrived after 25 minutes and 2 Brewers and Union Draughts, which were an eye-watering R40 a pop. And after 80 bucks I didn’t even feel a buzz. This meant an already unhappy Nick.

They say that half of a meal’s enjoyment is in the presentation, and on this front Royale did not disappoint. The patty was a chargrilled wonder, and the burger looked like it had been constructed by someone with an engineering degree, with layer upon layer of garnish heaven piled on top of the beef. I stared in wonderment for a few moments, and prepared for the oral nirvana I was about to enter. However, the first bite ended any thoughts of entering Shangri-La through my gob. The patty was frozen in the middle, which presented two problems. Firstly, it was inedible. Secondly, why was it frozen in the middle? The menu states, and I quote, “all home-made burgers & sauces are prepared fresh on site, daily.” How then, can a patty by frozen if it’s made fresh on the day? Hey Royale? Answer me!

Suffice to say, my experience was not exactly out the top drawer, and I left sufficiently disappointed. I am smart enough to give everything a second chance, and I just hope that next time Royale lives up to expectations